Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
