I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're like the curious george of whores
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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