turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
