If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
