Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
