I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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