okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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