Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
