I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
