I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
