fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
