i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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