foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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