How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
