you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
