dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
