Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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