i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dick very happy bro
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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