No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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