Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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