Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and she was petting her beer can
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just found puke in my bra..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
