So drunk its hurt
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
