im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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