I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
FUCK WHALES
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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