1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
