you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
