Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
