This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
