I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
