Jerry, you need to find god
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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