im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
