And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
