I didn't shave. On purpose
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
