My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
