I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
