I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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