A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
