So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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