So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I understand Curling. That high.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
