dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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