the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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