omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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