Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
