I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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