I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
