That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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