You're so nebulous sometimes
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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