I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
