she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's like iHOP with fire
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
