the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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