The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
