so that wasnt chicken after all
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You made out with two different species that night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
